Letting Go of Your Cows
SnowFlower Sun April 2025
From a Dharma talk by Gloria Green
Thich Nhat Hanh explains, “When I use the word ‘cow,’ its first meaning is something that you think is essential for your happiness. It is something you have never questioned: a position in society, a business, a diploma, an ideology. But when you get it, it seems you do not have the happiness you wanted, and you continue to suffer, even if you actually have your cows.”
We’d like to let go of our cows, but how? It’s not enough just to want to let it go, we must do the following:
- Recognize
- Look Deeply
- Release.
Recognize Your Cows
Cows are the things you think are necessary to your well-being and happiness.
A cow can also be an ideology or an idea that we take great pride in. We think that we are someone very special if we follow that idea or ideology. But if it hasn’t really given us any true happiness, it is a cow that we need to release.
Thich Nhat Hanh writes in The Path of Emancipation, “There are many things we are unable to leave behind, which trap us. In the beginning, we may think that they are vital to our happiness, but they may actually be obstacles to our true happiness, causing us to suffer. Freedom is the base of our happiness. We cannot be happy if we are trapped. Solidity and freedom are the authentic grounds of our happiness. That is why we have to practice, to restore our freedom and create space around us.”
For me, a lot of things I need to leave behind are the stories I tell myself. I thought being a know-it-all and do-it-all was vital to my happiness. But actually, I was so busy learning and doing, that I did not have time to develop relationships or just be there for people. I was trapped in busyness.
My attachment to knowing and doing was my way to feel in control of my life. But there is always more to do and more to know. The goal line was ever changing. I clung to the idea of being smart and productive. Until I started meditating, I thought being uber productive was a good thing. However, I was in such a rush that I often interrupted and told people the “right” answer. Noticing my cow has allowed me to slightly loosen my grip on my identity as a know-it-all and do-it-all.
Look Deeply at Your Cows
Look deeply at whether each item is bringing you happiness or actually causing you to suffer.
Thay says, “Maybe you have a job, but you think it is not enough, so you get a second job. You work overtime, thinking you need to create more opportunities to increase your wealth or fame. You get sucked into that way of thinking for a long time. But one day you find out that you are not really happy, and you really want happiness. You do not want to waste your energy in worries, anger, and so on; you are determined to let go of your cows. Each of us can look deeply, identify our cows, and release them.”
Being a know-it-all and do-it all did not make me happy. When I was new in a job, it got me lots of compliments. But over time, it was expected that I would do whatever needed to be done. So, no one but me stepped up. And I started to feel taken advantage of. Usually when this happened, I would just switch jobs. But after I started my meditation practice, I noticed that it was a pattern. The cow created a lot of stress in my life, trying to do everything and do it correctly.
Thay says only when we see that the cow creates more anxiety and fear will we be able to let it go. That’s why he asks us to practice looking deeply and calling our cows by their true name.
“We have to look deeply into its nature and where it has come from, because ideas are born from feelings, emotions, and past experiences, from things we’ve seen and heard. With the energy of mindfulness and concentration, we can look deeply and discover the roots of the idea, the feeling, the emotion, the desire. Mindfulness and concentration bring about insight, and insight can help us release the object in our mind.” Thay
Looking deeply at my cow, I saw the root of the idea: my father looking at my report card and saying, “What is that B doing there?” Underneath my need to know everything and do everything was the desire to be enough. Without my mindfulness practice, I would never have had that insight. Now I can be aware of the story coming up and change the focus of my attention.
As Frank Ostaseski notes, “We realize that when we dwell on and retell a story, this unquestioned recirculating of memories can lodge old suffering even more deeply in our minds, causing the present to be defined by our past.”
Release Your Cows
Consider which cow(s) you want to practice releasing. Write down concrete ways in your day life you can practice releasing your cow(s).
People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. But Thay says, “You must find the courage to let your cow go. Joy and happiness are born from releasing our cows.”
We think that a cow is making us happy, but if it is a cow, we need to release it for true happiness. The more cows we release, the more freedom and happiness we have. That cow may be a belief, an identity, a feeling, a desire, or a story. Releasing that cow is letting go.
Michael Singer says, “Just open, relax your heart, forgive, laugh or do anything you want. Just don’t push it back down. It was stored with pain, it’s going to release with pain. It only hurts for a minute and then it’s over.”
For many years, I just brushed anything unpleasant under the carpet. No wonder I did not recognize any of my cows. I thought it would be too painful. And looking deeply at my cows was painful. I had to hold them over and over like a colicky baby.
When the story of your cow hurts you, if you attach to it and carry it around, it hurts you again and again. Every time you think of it, it hurts you again. Believe it or not, neurologists have found that the physiological lifespan of an emotion is 90 seconds. So, if you let go of the cow, the uncomfortable sensations of the emotion will dissipate. The emotion lasts longer when we keep replaying the story of your cow, starting the 90 seconds over and over.
But as Michael Singer says, “Unfortunately … we’re not really trying to be free of our stuff, we’re trying to justify keeping it.”
We keep it because we are comfortable with the familiar. We fear we will lose something if we let go. There are many things in your life that bind you to that cow: family, friends, co-workers. All trying to keep you from breaking free. You can thank them for trying to keep you safe while you create new boundaries. The boundaries are set to keep others from reinforcing your old cows. If setting boundaries doesn’t work, you may have to distance yourself from them.
Letting go is not a passive practice. Think of the cow as a ball you are throwing away. Unfortunately, there is a dog (the part of you not ready to let go of the cow) that retrieves the ball and brings it back to you. Remember you already know how to throw it away. So, you can do it over and over, improving your throw.
You don’t have to release all your cows at once. Start with a small cow to learn the skills of recognizing, looking deeply, and releasing. Once you feel the freedom from that small change, you will have the courage and energy to release your bigger cows.
Engaged Buddhism: Practice in Action
A Buddhist Coalition for Democracy
This quarter’s Engaged Buddhism is to spotlight a new Buddhist coalition for Democracy that has issued a call to action. You can learn about this new coalition here.
If you would like to share your experience with Engaged Buddhist practice in a future newsletter, please email Susan Schwaab (susan.schwaab@yahoo.com) or Danielle Thai (ddthai5121@gmail.com).
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